


How We Carry On

by alexrawrmonster



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Case Fic, F/M, Fix-It, M/M, Post-Canon, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:08:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27867393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexrawrmonster/pseuds/alexrawrmonster
Summary: After Sam joins Dean in Heaven 'life' carries on, but what happens when things aren't as they seem and what originally felt right is actually wrong?Explicit for language only - if there is anything else explicit involved there will be chapter warnings.
Relationships: Blurry Woman (Supernatural: Carry On)/Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy & Sam Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 17





	1. Where in the World is Sam Winchester

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> You may be here for a tag, an obscure character, or what have you, just so you know this will be an ongoing piece I am actively working on SO if you see a tag but no character yet - no worries I plan to bring them all on the ride :) 
> 
> Much Love, 
> 
> Alex

“Miracle?” Dean asked, the dog ran up to him, licking his face as Bobby smiled. Still rocking in front of the Roadhouse, Bobby reached down to give Miracle a gentle pat.

“Showed up right after you left for yer drive.” he said with a smile, “howdy boy.” he said now looking over to Sam who was grinning ear to ear,

“I can’t wait for you guys to meet my son.” he said, “my grandkids too”

“Your… You have a son?”  
“Yeah” he said sheepishly, “I met this woman and something just clicked,”  
“What about Eileen?” Dean asked, an eyebrow piqued, “uh, I uh never…”

“Oh, got it, Purgatory 2.0, right.” Dean grumbled, 

“What? No I-”

“I know how you operate Sammy, any work required and off ya go.”

“That is not-”

“BOYS”, Bobby yelled, “ya just got here and yer already bickering - cut it out.

“Yes Bobby…” they grumbled, 

“Good. Now get, Dean yain’t even seen yer cabin yet - you neither Sam.”

“Where do we..?” Dean asked

“Jack and Cas were-” Bobby said,

“Wait Cas is alive?!” Sam asked, eyes widening as he looked over to Dean 

“So I hear” Dean shrugged nonchalantly, 

“Where is he?!”

“Off with Jack - the repair work they were doin’ wasn’t done last I heard, but with the both of ye here I’m sure he’ll stop by.” Bobby answered as Dean didn’t know,

“Oh?” Sam asked,

“Well, he didn’t say as much, but that boy o’ yours and I got to talkin - he requested some input on the design up here - and well he enlightened me on a few subjects he thought I might be interested in.”

“I think it’s time we checked out our cabins don’t you Sam let’s go” Dean said quickly

“Bobby I think you and I have some catching up to do later” Sam said as Dean dragged him to the Impala.

“My God, all cars really do go to Heaven.” Sam laughed, 

“Shut it, let’s go.” Dean grumbled - no longer in the mood. Miracle watched them go, laying down next to Bobby’s feet. “So, tell me about your wife.” Dean said, trying to make small talk,

“She was great.” Sam said, smiling off into the distance.

“Uh, okay.” 

“Yeah,” Sam said smiling, “and Dean Junior was one of a kind.”

“You named your kid after me?” Dean said incredulously

“‘Course.” Sam said, the grin widening,

“Dude were you high when you named him? That’s just askin’ for trouble, the name Dean Winchester had a record a mile long, murder, kidnapping, larseny, arson, you name it Dean Winchester did it, and you wanted him to be saddled with that baggage?”

“Oh I took my wife’s name.”

“What.” Dean said, his face a monotone,

“Easier to build a life without a record following it.” Sam said happily,

“You got out?”

“Yeah! I left the bunker after you died, locked up, threw away the -”  
“You, left, our home, and didn’t even bother to give the keys to our legacy to somebody? Anybody?”

“Well I-”

“You what? You don’t think Claire Novak, that girl whose life we ruined, whose dad we took, whose mom abandoned her, whose entire purpose in life became hunting because we did that to her, that girl couldn’t have used the bunker? Or, or Krissy? Or Charlie 2, or-”

“Oh, I don’t know if Charlie ever came back.” 

“You, you don’t know. You don’t know. You didn’t look, you didn’t look for Charlie?”

“Yeah.” Sam said dreamily, 

“Are you freaking kidding me man?!”

“No.” he smiled, 

“Okay man, whatever.” Dean said, blowing out a breath of air he’d been holding in tense frustration, “whatever.”

“Yeah it was great.” he smiled, 

“Right.”

“Right!”

“Right. This must be your place?” Dean asked, turning down a dirt road to a cabin with a large W on the front, “definitely not my taste..” Dean said, 

“Yeah! This is the place!” he smiled, “I like it here.” 

“Man you haven’t even been inside.”

“I don’t have to go inside to know I like it, just like my wife!” he said happily, getting out of the car,

“The fuck does that mean…” Dean grumbled, driving off in the direction he felt his home was in. He drove north on Johnson and took a right over towards Sunshine Blvd, arriving at a winding dirt road up to a wrought iron gate, “this must be the place” he mumbled softly to himself, he got out of the Impala to drag open the gate, hopping back in he drove up to the cabin. It was one story, didn’t look to have many rooms, but a large wrap around porch and what Dean presumed to be a mechanic shop out back, “awesome.” he whispered, taking Baby around to the shop, the door opened automatically as Dean drove up, “Awesome!” he said, slightly louder this time, a standard shop on the outside, the inside was decked out, top of the line tools were spread on metallic hooks that spanned the walls, a wall ladder akin to one you’d find in a large library was resting in tracks along the wall, red LED lights strips spanned the ceiling and floor to provide an underlight glow, in the corner was a full fridge, freezer and microwave. Turning to the door, photos of his family plastered the walls, small polaroids, larger prints, canvases of his found family covered the entire space, Dean grinned reviewing the pictures, remembering the moments with each person fondly. Dean paused in his reverie, glancing back over the beautiful wall, “huh, Cas is missing.” he mumbled, feeling the heat rising in his cheeks as the thought passed. “Not that, not that it matters.” he grumbled out, rubbing his hand along the back of his neck. 

He coughed, turning his attention back to his new home, he walked outside the garage, it was a summer day, the sun beat down through the maple trees illuminating the grass swaying slightly in the wind, he wondered if it was always like this - he’d spent too much time driving around the place to really know much about it. Boards creaked under his feet as he walked up the porch, he could feel the wood bending lightly but still holding his weight, he grabbed the well worn gold doorknob and twisted, pulling open the heavy door. 

Soft pop music played on an old radio and warmth radiated from the hearth of a large fireplace at the center of the room, the inside was finished wood and outside the window ...it was snowing? “Huh.” Dean said, dropping his jacket onto a free standing coat hanger after dusting snow off of his shoulders, “wild. Okay.” Inside, photos of families they saved were dotted with care along the wall amidst the photos of friends and family, Dean headed forward to the kitchen, finding a small herb garden in the window sill, he turned around to find the stove with an air fryer next to it, “dude, Heaven rocks.” he laughed, finding his way back to the master. “Oh, yes.” he said as he fell face first into the soft linen comforter that was laid cleanly across his bed. “Yes.” He moaned as he dropped his face into the down pillows. “YES.”

***   
  


“So, you’re…”

“Dean.” Dean Jr. said, holding his hand out,

“Right.” Dean said, shaking it, “well, good to meet ya kid. “Where’s your..?”

“Mom? Oh, she’s still kickin.” he said sheepishly, 

“Oh? What year is it out there?”

“Oh, it’s- oh! Hey! Dad!” Dean Jr. called, waving Sam down who quickly came running,

“Deans!” He said happily, pulling Dean Jr. into a hug, “I uh,” he paused to clear his throat, “I take it you’ve met?” 

“Yeah.” Dean said, a forced smile plastered onto his face, “So uh,”

“I was just telling Dean about life back home.” Dean Jr. said, “But we can uh, we can catch up some other time, right uncle Dean?” Dean jr. said, looking excitedly over at Sam,

“Uh, sure, no problem kid, you two go have fun.” Dean said, clapping his hand on the kid’s shoulder, Dean Jr. flinched before grabbing Sam and wandering off. “Weird.” Dean said again, squinting as they walked off. “When did I even get here.” Dean wondered aloud, realizing that the last thing he remembered he was lying on his bed and now he was at the Roadhouse, as if the time had been lost...to.. Time..he shrugged it off - Bobby did say time worked differently in Heaven after all. Dean walked up the stairs to the cabin, finding it difficult to open the door - it’s not that he didn’t want to go in, but the apprehension of who may or may not be on the other side sat delicately in his throat like a pill refusing to be swallowed. “Okay.” He said, pushing his way in. 

“Dean!” Jo said, running up to him and kissing his cheek, “we’ve been waitin’ for ya, Bobby said you just got here.” 

“What, I, yeah.” Dean said sheepishly, “didn’t mean to keep you all waiting.”

“No problem, c’mon in. Mom and Ash are in the back working on the dinner rush.”

“They have to work… in Heaven?”

“No, they just missed it.”

“Ash? Miss work?”

“I know, shocking stuff.” she laughed, “Castiel helped us set the place up when he and - what was it, John..?”

“Jack?”

“Right, Jack, when he and Jack fixed the place up. They asked what we thought and we gave them a few suggestions. That beer? No hangover.” She said with a smile,

“This is Heaven, why would you want a-”

“Why don’t you ask your daddy.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh. I’m still shocked they let him in. My daddy was tellin’ me all about how he used to treat you boys.”

“Oh.” Dean said, shifting uncomfortably, 

“Anyway so Cas and Jack they-”

“Wait, so Cas was here?”

“Eyup.”

“Oh.”

“Said they had some business in the south... area… I dunno. Not really my department. There are hunts up here. That’s my department.”

“What?”

“Yeah, they uh, they aren’t exactly real, but they feel real, good way to pass the time.” 

“But they don’t help anything?”

“Yeah, but, well, yeah.”

“So I guess I’ll just stay back and drink my hangover free beer and uh, wait for Sammy and Dean Jr. to get back.”

“Ya know the dinner rush should start filtering in soon, I’ll be gettin’ outta here - not too big a fan of crowds - but you should stay. Besides, I got some huntin’ to do.” she grinned, 

“Okay Jo, take it easy out there.” Dean said with a wan smile, she was so young when she passed, that enthusiasm for life, that spark was still well lit within her. Dean could feel his heart sinking as she walked away, her long blonde hair bouncing around as she moved - not a single gray to be seen. “I’m so sorry.” he whispered, watching after her. 

“Dean!” Ash called, Dean clasped Ash’s open hand and pulled him into a hug, wrapping his free hand around Ash’s shoulder and patting it.

“It’s been…a long time man.”

“Well, not so much for me.” he said with a smile as they broke apart, Dean could smell an IPA sitting on his breath, “Castiel did good work.” he said, a look of annoyance on his features, 

“Good work?” Dean asked, eyebrow piqued,

“I can’t hack this anymore. God knows I’ve tried.” he grumbled, “Or I guess Jack knows I should say…”

“Hah, yeah Cas took a few coding classes from Charlie back on Earth.” Dean said sheepishly, something felt odd bragging about Cas as if he was…

“Yeah well I’m gonna crack it, I just, haven’t yet. Oh uh, speaking of cracks.” Ash said with a chuckle, “uh I think you oughta know there’s this guy here with this uncanny resemblance to you and this uh gold jacket, he uh,” he paused to laugh again, “he took a shot of this fancy scotch, tried to hit on Art, it was probably the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Art..?”

“Said he goes by Art, uh, fuck what was the last name..”

“Wait, Ketch?”

“Yeah! Art Ketch!”

“I, I, the alternate universe...me...tried to hit on…”

“Yeah, yes he did.”

“Jesus.” Dean groaned, rubbing his palm down his cheek, “I’m, well I’m surprised Ketch made it up here.”

“You guys get into somethin’ back home?”

“You could say that..”

“I KNEW IT”

“NOT LIKE THAT. I just meant, he wasn’t always on the right side o’ things ya know?”

“Not like you were either.” Ash said, taking a drink of his beer, Dean shrugged 

“Wait when did I get a..?” He asked, looking down at the beer in his hand,

“Heaven just knows man.”

“Right…” 

“ASH!” Ellen called, 

“COMING” he called back, “gotta go, duty calls.” He said with a smile, Dean nodding, waving him off with a two finger salute. Dean took a seat at one of the tables, setting his beer on a Deschutes coaster and taking it all in. The jukebox in the corner was lit with fluorescent neon framing the screen, slowly the bar started filtering in, old hunters Dean recognized but couldn’t remember from his dad’s hunting days were the first ones in - old geezers who took down small hunts and lived long lives doing it - they weren’t the rule more of the exception but they filtered in. “Figures.” Dean mumbled, nobody he really knew or recognized beyond ‘dad knew them’, Sammy and Dean Jr. were still nowhere to be seen. Alone in a crowd of basically strangers, Dean watched the door as a group of men with obscured faces carrying large instruments walked up to the stage,

“Kansas!?” Dean yelled, “Kansas the band is dead?! Fuck, man.”

“Plane crash,” Dean Jr. said as he walked up to Dean’s table, “2020 was a rough year man.”

“Damn.” Dean said quietly, taking a drink of his beer. 

“Yeah, things were interesting for sure.” Dean Jr. said with a smirk, “coulda used you back there though, got up to some crazy stuff.” 

“Oh?” Dean asked, brow piqued and not amused,

“Oh yeah, back home man things were wild.”

“Right.”

“Yeah. Dad ever tell you about the time where-” he paused as he was tapped on the shoulder,

“Hey Dean, getting to know Dean?” Sam asked, beaming at the two of them,

“UH, yeah Sammy, going great.” He said with a forced smile, 

“Awesome man, well I’m gonna go get us some drinks.”

“Uh, cool, thanks.” Dean said, not offering that beers appeared when they were needed (apparently?). “Anyways you were sayin’?”

“Ah I’ll tell ya later.” He said with a smile. His dark hair was greased back, he wore flannel and had a tattoo that matched his and Sam’s. 

“So, were you and Sam, uh, your dad, were you..?”

“Hunters? Oh. No. I knew about it, but uh, we didn’t do any hunting.”

“Ah.” Dean said, not offering anything further in the way of this delightful conversation,

“I got into Harvard for law.” he said, 

“Oh, prestigious.” Dean said, 

“Yeah I didn’t go.”  
“What?”

“Well, I guess I did for a semester but I dropped out to become a drummer in a band.”

“Uh”

“The Watermelons, we played soft alternative-”

“Rock?”

“Well you could sort of say that, our songs were rock songs based on the Lord of the Rings, we called it LRock.” he said, sticking his tongue out and flashing the rock on sign.

“Oh, that’s nice.” Dean said, wondering when Sammy was coming back, almost as if on queue,

“Hey Deans,” Sam beamed, “how are my two favorite men today.”

“Uh, swell Sammy. Swell.” Dean said, chugging the rest of his beer and quickly taking the new one from Sam. “Thanks.” He added, tipping his beer to Sam’s. He took another drink before doing a double take and choking on the beer, spitting foam onto the floor and dribbling it over his chin. “Son of a bitch.” he croaked as he coughed, “excuse me.” he said, not bothering to acknowledge Sam or Dean Jr. as he quickly left the table. 

“Hey, buddy.” Dean said with another cough, 

“Oh, hello - Dean Winchester right?” 

“Oh. You’re. Oh.” Dean said sheepishly, deflating slightly,

“Just Jimmy.” He said with a nod, “I take it you were expecting someone else?” he tsked, 

“Oh, uh, no. Just. Wanted to say hi, that’s all.” Dean said, 

“Oh, well in that case hello.” Jimmy said awkwardly, unsure where to go from here. “Do you like the band Kansas?” He asked, smiling back at Dean,

“Uh, yeah, they’re, they’re great. I gotta go man I’ll see ya later.” Dean said in a huff. He waded through the crowd as 

“ARE YOU READY TO ROCK ROADHOUSE?” played through the speakers, Dean covered his ears as the speaker shrieked - I guess even in Heaven you can’t get good stereo equipment in a dive bar. It wasn’t until he got outside that he realized his heart was about to beat out of his chest and his breathing was erratic and labored. He leaned against the outer wall of the Roadhouse trying to calm down,

“Everything alright sunshine?” Bobby asked from his rocking chair, Miracle asleep beside him.

“I, yeah, Bobby, everything is fine.” Dean said, holding one shaking hand with the other as he tried to calm his body down.

“If you say so.” He said, turning back to his beer. 

“I just, I saw.”

“Saw who?”

“Jimmy Novak, what’s he doing here?”

“Well, Castiel figured Claire would want him here one day, and since Claire is family to you boys”

“Got it.” he said, 

“It all makes sense in a convoluted way, maybe he can explain it to ya sometime but as for me I just don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Been dead a long time, it’s better then it’s ever been, and that’s causa yer boy.”  
“I he, he isn’t my,”

“Hush, it’s just a manner o’ talkin’, don’t get yer panties in a twist Dean. You know. The pink ones.” Bobby said, Dean turned a shade of pink brighter than the underwear,

“How do you know about-”

“A father always knows, Dean.” he said with a wink, “besides, figured you could use a break from worrying about 

” he said suggestively, Dean went from fuscia to white as a ghost,

“I gotta go Bobby, thanks for the talk, next time - don’t tell me.” Dean said, “wait, did I walk here?” he asked, looking for the Impala,

“I don’t know kid I don’t know how you get around the place.” Bobby shrugged. 

“Bye Bobby.” 


	2. Let's Do the Time Warp Again

“Damnit” Dean grumbled, tossing his jacket onto his bed, “how the fuck did I get here?!” 

“I dunno why, don’t you tell me?” Lisa asked, walking seductively around the corner,

“Wait, what are you doing here? You can’t be..?”

“Dead? No. Lisa is still very much alive. I’m what they call a figment in these parts.”

“A figment?” Dean asked, backing up slightly as she walked towards him, he was unarmed and wholly unprepared for this. 

“Mhm” she said, lips pursed and humming, “Lisa is a person, who is not destined to ever join this Heaven, her familial ties don’t extend to you anymore Dean Winchester” she said, slowly rolling the name through her lips, 

“So, if, if Lisa’s still alive down there, and you’re up here, what, pretending to be her, why?”

“Well, your friend Castiel seemed to think you’d want me here, for companionship.” she said, a crooked smile gracing her dark features, “I’m not ‘gankable’ so don’t even think about it” she said while watching Dean reach around for a kitchen knife he’d stached away,

“Well Cas got this one wrong.” Dean said, although he wasn’t so sure about that in the moment, the lingerie really did look stunning on her body, 

“Oh really?” She asked, closing the distance and placing a kiss on Dean’s cheek, “you were the best sex I ever had Dean.” she whispered into his ear before nibbling on it.

“I, yeah, okay, I was, you were, it was, but you’re not real and that was the past.” Dean said, turning away from her, “I’m not like.. That..anymore.”  
“Not like what? Father material to Ben? Rake the leaves in the yard household dad material? That’s not you? I think that’s everything you want to be.” Dean turned around and all of a sudden she was in normal clothes with Ben beside her exactly how he remembered in his 11 year old glory. 

“Yeah Dean, we could go play ball in the yard?!” Ben said excitedly,

“Damnit, Cas, this isn’t it man…” Dean said quietly, “No, you both have to go. You aren’t real.” he said, addressing them without looking at them. 

“As you wish” they said in unison, and when he turned around they were gone. 

“Damnit you idiot, it’s not them, it’s you, it’s always been you.” he said quietly before climbing into bed, he turned out the light beside him and though his body was all but chained to the bed in pure exhaustion his mind was too busy pedaling through the inconsistencies of his day. Or. Shit had it been days? He couldn’t remember. He pulled his pillow out from under his head and pulled it over his face with his forearms before screaming into it in harrowed frustration. “I’m making a goddamn list tomorrow.” he grumbled, hoping to get some much needed sleep first. 

***

Sun shone through his bedroom window, illuminating his face and warming his cheeks gently, Dean’s nose twitched and eyelids began to flutter as he started to wake up. He stretched his arms above his head, propping himself up in bed,

“When was the last time you slept like that?” he asked himself with a small chuckle. Still, things felt empty as he padded over to his quiet kitchen, no one up brewing coffee, no freshly cracked eggs sizzling on a griddle, no Sam coming back from a run with that sheen of fresh sweat on his face and a light waft of BO misting off his pitts, no Jack padding down the stairs after his 3 hours of sleep chipper and ready to hunt, no Cas hiding out in the library nose stuffed in a book eyes weary from a sleepless night but focused in angelic prowess. 

“Well Batman, welcome to your fortress of solitude.” He said quietly, pulling out eggs from the fridge, “still beats the figments.” he grumbled as a shiver ran through him, wondering just how many figments existed here and why anyone thought that was a good idea. 

Breakfast eaten and cleaned up, Dean made his way to the shower, “oh, rehymenated again.” he said, looking over his body for scars from his years of field work and finding nothing. “Alright.” 

***

“Fuck!” Dean yelled, 

“What, what’s wrong Dean?” Sam asked, not bothering to look up from his game of cribbage with Dean Jr. 

“I, nothing, it’s nothing.” he said, rubbing his forehead with his thumb, “I, nothing.”   
“Okay” Sam said with a happy smile, _how the fuck did I get here_ Dean wondered, one moment he was enjoying the amazing water pressure in his cabin and the next he was at Sam’s. 

“Sammy, you never did tell me, what’s your last name?” Dean asked,

“Winchester?” he said, confusion on his features,

“No, you told me you took your wife’s name?”

“Oh. I did. Didn’t I. Neat. Feminism.” he said with a smile and a shrug before turning back to his game, Dean looked over to Dean Jr. who just shrugged. 

“Okay Sammy.” Dean said, walking out of Sam’s cabin and making his way outside, “Oh, goody, at least I took Baby this time.” he said, hopping into his car and putting her in drive. He focused, driving through the gate leaving Winchester manor, down the road and over to the Roadhouse.

“Where are you Bobby?” he grumbled as he walked over to the empty rocking chair. The bar hadn’t opened for the day yet, but since the door was unlocked he walked in anyway. “Ellen, Jo, Ash, you guys seen Bobby around here today?” he called out, as Ellen walked out from behind the bar and turned around to face Dean he swore she saw her face...well he wasn’t sure what exactly but it was like a design being rendered in real time,

“Uh, Ellen, you uh, you feelin’ alright?” Dean asked, a tremor in his voice, 

“Yeah I’m fine hon, why do you ask? Wait you were lookin’ for Bobby weren’t ya?”

“Uh, yeah, I” he paused to cough, “I was.” still confused as to what he just saw

“Well he should be here any time sweetheart.”

“Right, thanks.”  
“Want some beer while you wait for him?”

“Uh, n-no, thank you.” he stammered,

“Dean Winchester turn down a drink? Never thought I’d see that in my days, you’re all grown up.” she beamed, noting the look on Dean’s face Ellen continued, “I mean, this place does take some getting used to, being up here with everybody, it’s different, it’s, it takes time. Why don’t you head home and get some rest, I can send Bobby your way whenever he shows up.” she said, reaching her hand toward his forehead as Dean swatted it away,

“Not necessary Ellen, I’m a big boy I can take care of myself. That said uh, I’ll go home and relax, just tell Bobby to meet me over there when he gets in.” Dean said, 

“Good boy.” she said, patting his cheek as Dean grimaced. Something felt so wrong, and in true Heaven fashion the next thing he knew he was at home in bed. 

“Unbelievable.” he grumbled, throwing the blankets off his legs and finding his jeans had been replaced with fuzzy pajamas. “You know, we fight, and fight, and fucking fight for Goddamn free will, and THIS is what I get saddled with, fuzzy pajamas and, and, I sound like I’m freakin losing it. But, but I KNOW something is not right, and I’m gonna find out what the hell it is.” As if on queue there was a knock at his door, Dean got up to go answer it, 

“Bobby” Dean said, Bobby smiled,

“Heard ye were lookin’ for me, nice pajamas sweetheart.” he said with a chuckle, Dean grimaced,

“Not my call.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Seems to be a lot of that going on lately.”

“Care to elaborate?” Bobby asked, taking a seat in Dean’s living room. 

“Well, I know you’ve been up here a while and all, but, time, well, it don’t work, the way the mechanics work up here. It’s wrong. It ain’t like back home.”

“Oh I know.”

“You know?”

“No shit I know.”

“Then why-”

“Because, Dean, you gotta realize that a complete overhaul isn’t something that is done easily, and just because yer boy is God doesn’t mean that there still isn’t a whole world of angel politics going on up there, they follow orders but Jack keeping your boy Cas around means the angels aren’t predisposed to liking him. It means they’re watching closely waiting for shit to go wrong. Just like you did when those British dicks came ‘round.”

“How’d you know abou-”

“Cas told me.”

“How is it you, and Ellen, and everyone has seen so much of Cas, but I have yet to see a single feathery ass up here?” Dean asked,

“Why, did you want some feathery ass?” Bobby asked with a smirk, Dean blushed and looked at down at his feet nonchalantly, “Cas and Jack have been up dealing with all the suit and tie bullshit you never really got to see - it’s been a bureaucratic clusterfuck ever since Jack took over - and well, can’t imagine the poor thing wants to see you right about now anyway.” Bobby said with a laugh, Dean sunk further down and wrapped his hands around his neck, 

“What all’d he uh-”

“Enough.” Bobby said, lifting his eyebrows with a smirk and a wink, 

“I’m, I, I can ex-”

“Idjit there ain’t nothin’ you need to explain. But, poor feathers well, he’s pretty embarrassed.”

“Em-embarassed? What? Why?” Dean asked, wrapping his thumb in his fist and playing gently with his fingers

“Well, from what he told me, he, uh, what was it now, oh right, ‘made a homosexual love confession’ - his words now - you glared at him, and then he died, he, well, he was pretty sure he was spending all eternity in an abyss of black goo and was fine with that if his other option was facing Dean Winchester, poor thing I’ve seen homeless puppies who looked happier than he did.” 

“And he told you all this?”

“Oh yeah. He got, well, trashed is putting it kindly, at the Roadhouse one night, was tellin’ me, Ellen, Jo, your mom-”

“My, oh God.” Dean said, pulling the couch blanket over his head, “Bobbyyyy” he groaned,

“Don’t worry ‘bout it your momma ain’t blind she said she saw it from the moment she met him.”

“The moment she… it’s been YEARS” he paused “FUCK” he yelled - still hiding under the cashmir blanket. 

“Hush, love is love Dean.” he said gently, 

“I think I am actually gonna be sick now.” he groaned, Bobby patted his back gently,

“Look, Cas said you didn’t want him, but the rest of us ain’t blind, you ain’t been ‘outed’ or whatever, honestly your Huntercorp buddy is doing a better job o’ that than you are, but this Heaven ain’t got nobody in it who don’t love you boys, it’s gonna be fine.”  
“Is it, is it really?” Dean whined, “fuck.” he said, he felt dizzy and nauesous, 

“Dean, calm down. It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay, my REAL dad lives here, do you know what’s gonna happen when HE finds out?”  
“That you found one of the most powerful beings in the world, and you fell in love with him? He’s probably gonna think you’re trying to get an advantage, honestly he probably won’t see how much you love him, he’ll see Cas as a weapon, and he can understand being in love with weapons.” Bobby said, Dean groaned again, “it’s the only thing your daddy ever loved after yer momma passed.”

“Bobby, I think I’m gonna…” he trailed off before throwing the blanket and running to the bathroom to puke. When he finished he dropped his forehead to the porcelain, before pushing himself up with his arms and rinsing his mouth out in the sink. He paused to look at himself, his face was ghost white and there seemed to be circles etched under his eyes that weren’t there this morning. He splashed his face with the water and dried off.

“Feeling better princess?” Bobby asked when Dean returned,

“No.” he said, hiding back under the blanket, “I feel, exposed.” he grumbled, 

“Dean, please, anyone with eyes could see it.” Bobby said, “I guess better you know now and get it out of your system.” he said, eyeing the Dean-lump.

“Bobby I, I’ve never even…”

“Oh, well you better start.” he said with a laugh, “I mean, someday Cas’ll be back, and you’ll have to face him then.”

“Bobby, what do you know about figments?” Dean asked, more than over this subject,

“What do you want to know?”

“Everything.” Dean said pointedly,

“Well, how’s about this, you come out from under yer blankie and I’ll tell ya what I know.” he said, Dean come out from under the blanket, his hair tousled and his face a deep shade of red even still highlighting the freckles that dotted his nose and cheek bones - Cas could definitely do worse. “That’s a good boy” Bobby said with a smile, Dean just glared,

“Figments?”  
“They’re basically copies. Copies of the deceased, or the living, if you will. This Heaven isn’t all encompassing, it’s more of a larger bubble, and at some point the bubble has to end - lots of people would rather die than spend an eternity in a place like this” he gestured, “and to account for that, they created figments. It uh, it wasn’t my idea I’ll tell ya that much. But they aren’t so much for us, they’re more for the regular people who wouldn’t know to look for the inconsistencies.”

“So who?”

“Who what? Use your words boy.”

“Who here are figments.” 

“Well they don’t usually just go tellin’ ya.” Bobby said,

“Bobby”

“S’far as I know nobody.”

“You pullin’ my leg?”

“Dean I ain’t lyin, I don’t even know how you knew about ‘em if I’m bein’ honest.”

“I encountered one. Or. Two. I’m not sure how that works..exactly.” Dean said sheepishly, a questioning expression grew on Bobby’s face, “I” he paused to clear his throat, “Cas left um, a -figment- or, figments, of Lisa, and Ben.” Dean said quietly, not looking at Bobby.

“You know we told that dumbass not to do that.”

“I, you did?”

“Well no shit it’s obvious to everyone but you ‘n him that you’re in love with him.” Bobby said as if it was the most obvious thing on the planet. 

“I might be sick again…” Dean said as his stomach swirled,

“Okay okay we’re gonna stop with the Cas talk don’t want ya blowin’ yer breakfast again.” Bobby said, Dean nodded but his face had still gone very pale. “I know I don’t say this much, but I love you boys, no matter what.” he said, “and this, you, n’ him, is nowhere near the worst thing I’ve seen you through.”

“Worst?” Dean whined, his expression worsening

“Okay bad wording, it’s a good thing, you ‘n him, love is a good thing Dean. That much I do know.” Bobby said, “I’m gonna let you go now, besides, I have a date with my wife at the Roadhouse.” he said with a smile, “maybe we can double one day boy.” 

“Yeah, maybe Bobby.” Dean croaked, unsure how they ended back up on this topic. 

“Take care o’ yourself kid.” He said with a wave, and then he was gone. Dean sighed. 

Raising his hands to his chest and clasping them, Dean closed his eyes and began to pray 

“Hey uh, Earth to uh, Cas,Castiel.” he started, “I don’t um, I don’t want do this over uh, over prayer, but I, we got some things to talk about. Um. I have things I gotta say. I’m. I’m not on Earth. Anymore. Guess it’s been awhile since Sam’s here too. Uh. But. Yeah. Stop in for a visit, you know where to find me. Okay. See ya soon Cas.” he finished, dropping his hands and laying down on the couch. “I can’t fucking believe they all- oh God- I gotta stop thinking about this.” Dean said to himself as his stomach started to turn again. “I’m gonna go take a damn nap.” he grumbled, padding back to his room. 

When Dean woke it seemed to be the afternoon but who really could trust the weather here anyway, he got out of bed and headed out back, he hadn’t explored his backyard yet and was curious. When he closed the back door and looked out beyond the yard he grinned, through a small field and an outcropping of fruit trees Dean could see the dock from his dreams all those years ago where Cas used to visit. Dean broke into a sprint immediately, running down to the dock and jumping off the end. In a cannonball formation with a scream of delight he jumped into the crystalline lake water. 

“Okay, this is kinda cool.” he grinned as he waded in the lake not in pajama pants and a t- shirt but in swim trunks, he dunked under the water again trying to reach the bottom before bouncing back up to the top. Somehow, the water didn’t feel like water, it did but, it was dulled, the bite of the cold on his skin wasn’t fresh and icy like a true glacial fed lake. Dean frowned, pulling himself out of the water and onto the dock where he sat, kicking his feet making tiny waves to try and pinpoint exactly what it was but no answers came to mind. He laid back on the dock and looked up at the sun, the strain on his eyes was almost nonexistent, he frowned but kept his eyes affixed on the sky, it was beautiful but after some point he could tell the clouds were on a rotation and felt the bitter disappointment that not even the damn clouds were real. 

“ _ You asked, ‘what about all this is real?’ We are.”  _ rang through Dean’s brain like the audible ricochet on a bullet. He pulled his hands over his eyes and started rubbing them “yeah, yeah I know Cas.” he grumbled, wrapping his arms around his chest and grabbing hold of his clavicles. “This place was built with…” he couldn’t even think the word “you idiot… suck it up you’ll get used to it here.” he grumbled to himself.

“Dean! We came looking for ya!” Sam called from across the yard, Dean Jr. following like a lost puppy right behind him, as usual... “heard ya weren’t feelin’ well thought we’d stop by!”

“I’m fine.” He said with a wave. This conversation wasn’t one he even wanted to have with Sam back at home when he was  _ Sam, _ this… this guy was getting a clam shell. Dean plastered on a fake smile and sat up, “come on over Sammy the water’s fine” he said with a forced laugh. Sam smiled,

“If you say so!” he said, going for a run and hitting his stride before throwing himself off the deck into a belly flop. Dean watched in awe as his clothes changed just as Dean’s had. Dean Jr. found his way to the dock and stood next to Dean.

“I ain’t goin’ by senior.” he said, looking over to Dean jr. Dean jr. laughed,

“I didn’t ask ya to man.” He said, handing Dean a beer. Dean took it and smiled,

“Thanks.”

“Dad said this was your favorite.”

“I, yeah.” Dean said looking at the label, “good work Sammy.”

“He hated when my mom called him that.” Dean jr. said,

“Oh yeah?” he asked, hoping for a little elaboration

“Yeah.” Dean jr. said, Dean frowned.

“Tell me about her.” He said pointedly,

“Nah, I’ll just wait for you to meet her.” Dean jr. said fondly, Dean could feel his eyes rolling into the back of his head but closed his lids so his nephew couldn’t see.

“Alright if you say so.” he said,

“Dean, this dock is great!” Sam called out, waving from the water. 

“Yeah, I’m sure it is Sammy!” He called, taking a drink of his beer. 

“You said you’re alright, get in the water!” he called, stupid giant puppy,

“Alright Sammy, whatever ya want.” he said, running and taking a jump off the dock. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thanks for the read, I don't know if I'll update over the weekend (I have to replace a door it's..a long story..also cabinets...home ownership is a LOT of work) but I hope you liked this chapter, my uh, basic plan is 20 chapter arc (this is subject to change I haven't actually plotted everything out on a timeline yet but I know where I want to go and yeah that's the idea!). 
> 
> Anyway much love to ya'll,
> 
> Alex <3


	3. No Butts About It

By the time the boys got out of the lake the sun had fallen from the top of the sky to barely resting over the mountain tops in the distance leaving a light glow resting over the sky and an orange hue painted delicately across the sky. Sam and Dean Jr. said their goodbyes and drove off in Sam’s Prius (insert gaggin here) leaving Dean to his own devices on the dock.

Dean could feel the splinters from the aged wood on his thigh biting in, but the wood was warmed and otherwise comfortable. Dean stared out at the lake, time was behaving itself for the moment, and he had to appreciate the time with his brother and nephew. Even still, he couldn’t help it, the blue of the water reminded him of home. Dean sighed, standing up as the dock creaked beneath him, wrapping his towel around his neck Dean walked back up to his cabin. The back door creaked as he walked inside, dropping his towel in the laundry hamper and padding to the kitchen.

“Huh” he said quietly as his swim trunks were replaced with a henley, jeans and ragged bunny slippers. “I am never going to get used to that one” he mumbled, out his kitchen window was the same snowy evening display as before. Dean grabbed a mug of cocoa and padded over to his front room, turning on the news. “Wait, this is” he paused, looking at Meena Chekov the local news anchor for the greater Lebanon area, “this is live?” he said, a little shocked, “but, wait, Sam lived… like 40 years without me, had a kid, had a wife… how is Meena still the news anchor? Maybe it’s reruns…” he said, brows furrowed as he eyed his bookshelf over in the corner of the room, scanning it he didn’t see any books on lore, “A Darker Shade of Magic” - fantasy, “A Conjuring of Light” - fantasy, “Thanks V.E. Schwab” Dean grumbled, seeing nothing else on the shelf that might be useful. “Wonder if they have a library here.” 

***

“They do, but it ain’t what you’re looking for.” Bobby said with a smile as Dean jumped out of his pants, grabbing at his heart with his hand Dean looked around,

“I, I didn’t,”

“You wanted something, Heaven answered. There is a library here, but it’s more of what you’d expect to find in a standard library than the one in the bunker.” Bobby said, taking a pull of his beer. 

“Right. Thanks Bobby.” Dean said, rubbing the back of his neck with his palm and looking away.

“Somethin’ troublin’ ya?” He asked,

“I, no. No it’s not.” Dean said, “this your place?” Dean asked, looking around - it was a clusterfuck of clutter, and was almost exactly the same as his place back home, out the window were piles of destroyed cars as far as the eye could see through sunlight so perfect you could see the specs of dust sparkling in it, “wait, you don’t have inside winter? What the hell?”

“Jack and Cas planned out all the homes so they reflected the wants and needs of the inhabitant, they thought you’d like ‘cozy’.” he said with a shrug, “If you don’t like it I’m sure a simple prayer and they could-”

“No no it’s fine, Bobby, we don’t need to, contact anybody…” Dean said, eyes darting between the floorboards beneath his feet. 

“Okay princess.” Bobby said with a laugh, “whatever you say.” Rumsfeld and Miracle came running up hearing Dean talk and started licking his hands,

“Okay guys, okay” he said, getting down to pet their faces, “I guess all dogs really do go to Heaven.” Dean added with a laugh, 

“Boys!” a shrill voice called from the other room, “I’m so sorry they were gettin’ their breakfast.”

“Karen,” Dean said with a smile, 

“You must be Dean, Bobby said you’d be around.” she said, holding out her hand, Dean shook it.

“Right, we never officially met.” he said, “well, zombie you gave me a good talking to once upon a time.” Dean said with a soft laugh,

“Zombie..me..?”

“It’s not important” Bobby said, “what is important is yer meetin’ now.” he smiled, Dean nodded taking the hint, 

“Well it’s good to meet you.” Dean said with a smile, Karen smiled back

“Quit charmin’ my wife.” Bobby grumbled, 

“Wha-Bobby I-”

“I’m just teasin’,” Bobby said, “good to have my boy and my lady together.” 

“Happy to be here.” Dean said, 

“You hungry, I was just makin’ some breakfast for Bobby and I?” Karen asked, 

“Thank you for the offer but I’m really not hungry.” Dean said, his stomach had been rumbling but the bite of hunger was something reminiscent of home, of a life a normal 40 year old who didn’t die on a pike. Dean sighed, feeling his back where the wound should be and finding smooth skin in its place, and subsequently deflating. “You sure ‘bout that Dean? Karen makes a mean scramble.” Bobby asked, eyeing Dean up,

“Yeah I’m sure Bobby, I just ain’t that hungry this morning.” He said with a half smile, Bobby eyed him and nodded. Bobby smiled apologetically over at Karen, who just smiled and nodded back, Dean rubbed at the back of his neck watching Bobby join Karen at the table where they bowed their heads in prayer, Dean’s eyebrow piqued as he heard them thank Jack for everything he’d done for them. Dean had to admit it did make sense, Bobby had spent years reliving the same thing - of course this felt like Heaven on..well Heaven. 

“I gotta go Bobby, I was gonna go uh, hunt, and gotta get an early rise, you know.” Dean said, 

“Whatever you say kid.” he said, not looking up from his breakfast. Dean left, 

“Oh great, I walked, guess I’ll walk.” he grumbled, the missing time was really falling onto his last nerve. 

His combat boots kicked up dust with every step, clouding up around him as he walked through the beating sunshine over to the mountain where the hunt was supposed to be. He hadn’t actually researched it, he didn’t have a plan or even a weapon, but he needed to know what bullshit was going on up there - not like he could die after all. Dean grimaced - a hunter's death, something he could’ve been proud of, not dying on a goddamn nail. Honestly he could’ve lived, if Sam hadn’t listened to him, if Sam had called for Jack, or, ..cas.., or freakin’ 911 instead of listening to a man going into shock, losing blood, and the five stages of grief, maybe he’d still be kickin’ it. Or, well, maybe not, 40 years is a long time even for a normal person, let alone a retired hunter who does some hunting work on the side. 

“Okay,” Dean said, getting out of his head as he approached the cave Jo had told him about, “let’s go.” he said, pulling down his rolled up sleeves to cover his arms. He walked in slowly, the air chilled as he walked in, Dean could see his breath as he exhaled, “ghost?” he said quietly, and sure enough he was hit with a wall of screeching sound and slammed against the wall as a presence rammed through him. Catching his breath Dean reviewed the cave, stalactites and stalagmites damp with dripping cave water stood, rocks and debris were scattered and a small “oh, there it is.” Dean said quietly, finding a crate pushed behind a cropping of stalagmites, inside the crate were possessions seemingly of a deceased spelunker.

“Okay, easy, salt and burn.” Dean said, pulling his lighter out of his pocket and preparing to pull out a fast food salt packet when a push to his chest sent him flying back to the wall. It was something that had happened to him a million times, but this time it was different, as the cool cave wall bit into the skin on his back Dean could feel his breath rate speeding up, his fingers grabbed at the dirt below as his eyebrows lifted in concern. “Fuck” he whispered breathlessly as he lost control, jugallos, juggalos everywhere, decapitated, headless, bleeding, bleeding like Dean, his back, bleeding out, his lung punctured, Sam, “Sammy, S-Sammy” Dean called out, but Sam wasn’t there. Dean closed his eyes, he could feel it getting harder to breathe, “Sammy” he choked, “Sammy don’t go” he cried out. Dean shut his eyes, furrowing his brow, taking a deep shaky gasping breath waiting for his lungs to give out. And then they didn’t. Dean opened his eyes, just a peek, and found himself tucked into bed, covers pulled up to his neck. No nail. No juggalos. Just Dean, in bed, in flannel pajamas, with a glass of water on his nightstand. Dean clasped his palm to his face, groaning. He didn’t usually have reactions like that on the job, and with the ‘hunt’ being as sophisticated as a crappy escape room - he beat God, he took down Lucifer, he kept Michael at bay, he saved so many people, and now he can’t even manage a basic salt and burn? Dean pulled his second pillow over his face in shame. 

Dean got out of bed, why whenever he reset it sent him there he didn’t know, but he threw the covers back to where they started haphazardly, slamming the spare pillow into its place. 

“Jack, I know you’re hands off, put me back” Dean yelled, “send me back to Earth, I’m useless here, let me out.” he yelled, he grabbed a pile of books on a shelf and pushed them to the floor with a loud yell and a dramatic flair, pleased with his work Dean smiled - that is until two minutes later when the bookshelf reset itself and everything went back to its perfectly manicured place. “Great” Dean mumbled, “can’t even get pissed up here.” he sighed, “okay Heaven, gimme.” Dean grumbled, opening the side drawer of his night stand and pulling out a pack of Chesterfields and a lighter. He put the cigarette between his lips and carefully lit it, taking in a deep drag. “God it’s been so damn long.” Dean mumbled as smoke escaped his lips. Putting the rest of the pack in the chest pocket of his henley Dean walked out of the bedroom and into the family room, sinking into the couch. 

_ “You’ve been stealing my Chesterfields?” John screeched, his brow furrowed but his eyes wide with rage, Dean was frozen - unable to speak.  _

_ “It was me, dad, Dean didn’t do it.” Sam said, stepping in front of his brother, between his dad and Dean, _

_ “Nice try Sammy, your brother knew better, and he stinks like tobacco.” John said with pure disgust on his lips, _

_ “Statistically speaking you’re more likely to-” _

_ “CAN IT, SAMMY.” John yelled as Sam shrunk back into silence. “Dean, come with me.” he said, dragging Dean out of the room. _

“God I love these things.” Dean mumbled, knowing full well they’d been impossible to find for years anywhere on Earth. Dean coughed, “it’s been too long.” he hacked out, feeling the shaky feeling from the cave finally start to dissipate. Nicotine was one hell of a drug. 

_ “You think, you can steal, from ME, I am your FATHER, you will RESPECT and OBEY and I will not tolerate this BEHAVIOR.” John shrieked, belt in hand as Dean’s eyes watered, _

_ “Yes, sir.” He said quietly, looking at his feet, _

_ “YOU WILL LOOK AT ME WHEN YOU SPEAK TO ME.” _

_ “Yes, sir.” Dean said, steeling his gaze and looking at his father as the belt came down. _

Dean tossed the butt into a wastebasket, 

“You know that shit’s bad for you right?” Sam said with a laugh,

“When did you get here?”

“Minute ago, came to see what you were up to, Dean junior and I were heading to the roadhouse wanted to know if you wanted to come.”

“Oh, yeah sure.”

“But really, smoking?”

“What’s the worst it’s gonna do? Kill me?” Dean scoffed, Sam scrunched his nose in disgust but said nothing. The two locked up the cabin, meeting Dean Jr. outside 

“Do we really have to take the Prius?” Dean grumbled, 

“Yes.” Sam said indignantly, “what’s the worst it can do, kill you?” he retorted, Dean rolled his eyes but got in the back.

“Hey uncle Dean” Dean junior waved from the front seat,

“Hey, Dean..” Dean said, something just did not feel right about the kid, hell didn’t feel right about either of them. Dean sighed, maybe he was losing it. 

“So, Sammy, what have you been up to, how’ve ya been, without your wife and all?” Dean asked, 

“Wow you really have been here a long to, Dean Winchester asking about my feelings? We love to see it.” Sam chuckled, Dean was taken aback,

“I, yeah? You lost another partner? It happens a lot to you? I figured it might bother you?” Dean said slowly,

“I’m really proud of you for your use of the term partner, that’s very inclusive of you.” Sam said, Dean junior nodded along, Dean’s lips pursed and jaw clenched, 

“Thanks.” Dean said, jaw still tight, “so your wife.”

“I’m fine Dean, she’ll be here soon, she always was late.” Sam said, looking fondly over at Dean junior who nodded sympathetically. Dean senior was about ready to rip his hair out.

“Have you seen Castiel yet?” Dean jr. asked, 

“Uh”

“It’s Cas, Dean, but no Cas told me he hadn’t stopped by yet.”

“Wait wait, you talked to-”

“He stopped by”

“He stopped by?”

“Yeah? He wanted to see how Dean and I were doing?”

“Oh, right, sure.” Dean grumbled, now in a decidedly worse mood. 

“He, uh, I’m sure he will.” Sam said encouragingly,

“Did he tell you that?” Dean said, his tone icy

“Well, no. But it’s Castiel ‘he and I do have a more profound bond’ Kline”

“Kline?”

“Why not, I’d take God’s last name.” Sam shrugged, Dean muttered something under his breath about Winchester that Sam couldn’t make out. “Oh, here we are!” Sam said, pulling into his parking spot and setting the e brake with care Dean had never seen Sam take towards a car. 

“Sweet, I’ll go get us some drinks.” Dean said, quickly walking away from his brother and nephew and heading straight for the tap. Dean was almost to the alcohol when he ran face first into a familiar face, “oh my God, Charlie” Dean said, his voice a hush, Charlie beamed up at him as Dean pulled her into an enormous hug. “I missed you so much.” Dean said, 

“I missed you too” she said, tousling his hair gently. 

“I never got to say, I’m so, so sorry for what happened to you I-”

“Dude, you got impaled on a spike, at least I got a cool death. Fitting of a warrior queen.” she said, smiling at Dean who was now grimacing. 

“Yeah that didn’t happen how I imagined.” Dean said

“What’re these?” Charlie said, grabbing the pack of cigarettes from Dean’s pocket,

“Since when are you a smoker?”

“Since now.” he grumbled, grabbing them back and shoving them in the pocket of his jeans. 

“Just say no Dean.” she said with a wink, Dean rolled his eyes, 

“Come on kid, let’s get some beer.”

“Oh, no can do actually, I have a date.” she said with a sly smile

“A date? We’re dead?”

“So? Live a little.” Charlie laughed, Dean rolled his eyes,

“So who is she?” Dean asked,

“You see that girl over there?” Charlie asked, pointing to a busty brunette girl in the corner with freckles bridging her nose that glasses had fallen to the tip of, “that’s Andi, it’s our first date.” she said,

“Well, you better go get ‘em tiger.” he said

“Aye aye Captain!” Charlie said as she walked towards the back table. Dean grabbed his drinks and went back to his table, with two unfortunately bad conversationalists and the sneaking suspicion that something very wrong was happening here. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, here's chap 3! :) 
> 
> Comments and kudos always welcome (lolduhbut).
> 
> Much love, Alex <3


	4. And Listen to the Music of the Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Self harm - not graphic

The time jumps had started to become normal, the outfit changes, the lacking needs were all starting to become part of the doldrums that was Dean’s everyday. He wasn’t sure how much time he’d spent in Heaven now, things really had begun to blur, days weren’t clear, time felt broken and it left Dean with the feeling he’d be better off in bed. So that’s where he spent the majority of his day. He laid in bed, would get up, smoke a Chesterfield, consider heading into town or going on a hunt, decided better of it, and went to lounge around, some days on the couch, other days back in bed, sometimes on the floor by the fire. He let his bodily care be taken over by the world, putting no effort into food, water, hygiene, and instead letting the fact that he was a dead man be what it was. Nobody came to visit him, it’s as if they knew he wanted to be left alone, and Dean was okay with that. 

Outside for his daily (was it daily? He really wasn’t sure what was going on with time anymore) smoke break Dean sat on the backside of his wrap around porch, watching his dock glimmer in the midday sunlight. Or was it midday. Time all felt relative here. Dean watched as clockwork the weather turned from bright and sunny to stormy, as clouds rolled in and thunder began, wind cutting through his t-shirt and pajama pants but what did it matter anyway. Dean took the butt of the cigarette and jammed it into his wrist, clenching his fist as pain seared in his arm before pulling it off and tossing it to the ground. “At least something here feels real.” he mumbled, covering the ashen burn with his free hand. Dean walked back inside, the cold air still whipping around him as he shut and locked the door. Dean grabbed his drapes and threw them open, opening all the windows in the house and letting the storm blow itself in. He walked back into his living room and sunk into the couch, turning on the TV to the local news show for Lebanon as wind blew gusts through the house. The crashing of breaking dishes as they fell off the counter and onto the floor interrupted the weather man going on about warm fronts moving in from the north. The chaos began to envelope and consume the room, blowing things over as the storm crashed above him with almost no time between the thunder and lightning. Usually the storms weren’t this bad, but apparently today was different. 

The wind whipped around him as more dishes crashed to the ground, the news turned to a commercial and the music in the background of the commercial became the background to the symphony of destruction.  _ Wise men say -  _ **crash** **_-_ ** _ only fools rush in, but I -  _ **crash, crash, crash** \-  _ can’t help falling in love with  _ **_\- CRASH._ ** __

“DEAN” A voice he couldn’t make out called out to him. Dean was huddled on the couch, hands wrapped around his neck looking away.

“What.” He yelled back over the cacophony of chaos,

“What is going on here?”  
“What’s it look like?”

“Dean.” the voice said, quieter now as a hand clasped down on his shoulder.

“What.” Dean said gruffly as the chaos began to diminish

“What happened here?” he asked softly,

“Not like you care” Dean grumbled

“What part of sacrificing my life for-”

“Not that.” Dean said, finally looking up into the blue eyes staring back at him,

“May I?” Cas asked, pointing to the spot beside him on the couch, Dean nodded.

“You came to everyone, everyone but me, what am I supposed to think man?” Dean asked, looking anywhere but at Castiel

“That I was trying to allow you time to adjust, and after the last thing I said to you I, I wasn’t sure you’d-”

“What? You weren’t sure I’d want to see you? Are you kidding me? You’re family, Cas.” Dean said pointedly, Cas nodded incrementally. 

“Family.” Cas said quietly, mulling the word over in his mouth,

“Yes, I, Castiel.” Dean pinched the bridge of his nose, “ I know what you meant, with the whole, what you want most you can’t have, I, I thought about that every day, un-until I died… that is… but it, it was a good two weeks.” Dean said sheepishly, “anyway, uh, I’m not good at this man but, I, I need you, I always needed you but, but it’s more than that. I have these things, these, these feelings that I, I never got to, never got to live, not really. I, fuck,” Dean struggled, grabbing for Cas’ hand, “I, love you, too.” he said slowly, “in every way you want me to, Cas. Every. Way.” Dean said, starting to close the distance between the two of them, “Cas,”

“Yes Dean?” Cas asked, his eyes wide and his breath quick,

“Can I kiss you?” he asked quietly, a blush spreading across his nose and cheeks highlighting his freckles that rimmed his beautiful green eyes

“I would like that” Cas choked out as Dean leaned in. Dean’s lips pressed to Castiel’s, as Cas’ lips parted slightly Dean’s lower lip fell into the space as he sucked gently on Cas’s top lip before gently pulling apart and starting into Cas’ beautiful eyes. “I came here with a purpose, Dean.” Cas choked out, his voice cracking slightly, “and this, while greatly enjoyable, was not it.” Cas blushed, looking away. Dean frowned,

“What’s up man?” He said, straightening up and wiping saliva off his bottom lip with his thumb.

“Not here.” Cas said quietly, holding out his hand to Dean who took it. 

***

“You got your wings back?” Dean said with a smile as they landed on a dock on the other side of the lake Dean lived on, “congrats man.” he said, clapping his hand on Cas’ shoulder, Cas blushed “It is not of import.” 

“No, it’s not, but that’s awesome.” 

“Yes, well, anyway. Something happened to Sam.” Cas said quietly, Dean’s brow piqued but he didn’t say anything “he only lived until December 3rd 2020.” Cas said quietly, eyeing Dean carefully,

“Wait so Sammy-”

“Died young, Dean, just like you.”

“What then, how?”

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out.”

“He said he-”

“I know, and he believes it, I paid him a visit a few days prior to coming to you and he was unwell.”

“Unwell?”

“He, how would you put it, believes his own bullshit.” Cas said, throwing air quotes for effect. 

“Oh, right. I can’t get him to tell me anything about his wife, Dean Jr. either.”

“Dean Jr?”

“Yeah? Sammy’s son? Follows him around like a lost puppy?”

“Dean, there was no Dean Jr. when I was there.” Cas said, looking at his friend with grave concern, Dean rubbed his chin with his hand, 

“Bust me out, Cas, we can solve this, together.” Dean said hopefully, 

“Unfortunately Dean I can’t, Jack’s rules are uh, pretty solid in that regard.”  
“I’ll put him in time out if I have to.” Dean grumbled,

“He does, truly, wish you and your brother every happiness,” Cas said quietly, “you were everything to him when I couldn’t be.”  
“I don’t deserve a pedestal man, I treated the kid like crap when you died. I, I got so angry, like you and, and mom, and I just couldn’t control it, didn’t want to control it, I let it go and let it turn into this big heaping pile of hate. Sammy tried so hard with the kid, he deserves the credit not me.”

“Jack understands, Dean. He’s an omnipotent being, a nephilim of the lord turned God, his compassion for what you faced in your life is great.” Cas said gently, “this is beside the point. I need your help figuring out what happened to Sam.” Cas said, “I know this is a great ask, I am supposed to let you have a peaceful afterlife but, it didn’t seem you were having that anyway. Are you alright?” he asked softly

“What do you think?”  
“I think the knowledge you possess burdens you.” Cas said, “I think that at best you view this as a, a playground and at worst a prison.” 

“Bingo.” he said quietly, sniffing as he looked at his feet, “I know you built this for me but-”

“Any cage built for Dean Winchester had best watch out.” Cas said with a soft smile, “I know Dean. I’m sorry.” he added, gently grabbing his arm, “I would give anything, if I could rectify how short your life was.” Dean laughed,

“I know that you idiot, you gave your life for me, for two measly weeks.”

“They were two weeks of freedom.” Cas said solemnly, “you deserved every minute of it, Dean.”

“Thanks Cas.” Dean said softly, “If I’m being honest, I really hate it up here, I know you did your best to make it ‘the Heaven I deserve’ but man I don’t want Heaven, no matter how great you make it, it isn’t real man. It’s all just, this.” he gestured, 

“I’m sorry, Dean.”

“Hey, hey, it’s not your fault, thank you for fixin’ it up.”

“I did it for you.” he said sheepishly, 

“I know, you did everything for me.” Dean said, leaning in and kissing Cas’ cheek as he blushed, “you oughta see how happy Bobby is. He loves it here. He has his wife, they got Miracle and Rumsfeld, I haven’t seen him this happy in years.”

“Good, I am happy to hear that.”

“Problem is,” Dean said slowly, “the person I’m in love with, is still alive.” He said gently, “and I’m sorry, I didn’t get to say it, back then. But man when you gave me back the mixtape-”

“The mixtape?”  
“My top 13 zepp traxx?” 

“Oh yes the music.”

“Yeah. The music. Okay, I know Metatron gave you that upgrade, somewhere in there you gotta know that uh, mixtapes are supposed to be, ya know, romantic?” Dean said quietly, “anyway, how do I help you, with Sammy, if you can’t bust me out?” Dean asked, 

“Keep an eye out for anything weird going on around here - not normal Heaven weird - but Sam weird.”  
“And if I find something?”

“Pray. I will come when you call.” Cas said softly,

“You always did.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! Hope you enjoyed, this one is a little shorter I know BUT the end point just felt right.
> 
> Much love, Alex :)


End file.
